


What You Take

by Chiru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, and yamaguchi is a way better friend than tsukki deserves, angst kinda, break up kinda, but happy ending, kuroo is sick of his shit, they don't even kiss what, tsukki is an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2646356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiru/pseuds/Chiru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima could only stare as his boyfriend put a bill to cover his part on the table, smiles without light, and wishes him a good day. Then Kuroo is gone, and Tsukishima isn't really sure what just happened.<br/>He sits still for a while, hands folded around his cup, staring at Kuroo's, half-empty and abandoned. Like him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Take

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to bad music and thinking Kurotsuki and then my mp3 player did this thing where it played "I can't take it" from the All American Rejects followed by "What do you want from me" by Adam Lambert and I was like "damn boy that shit's perfect let's do that" and then I did and this is it. I am only moderately ashamed. Maybe. Mostly coz this is all over the place, but ok. Enjoy, if you can...

Tsukishima had seen it coming for a while now. He'd seen it in the sighs that escaped his lips, the tightness around his eyes, the silences that lasted many more beats than they should. He'd seen it coming, so he wasn't surprised when one day Kuroo snaps.

“Fuck, Tsukki, was that really necessary? Fuck's sake man!” 

“It's true though. If you'd started earlier then you wouldn't have been so pressed for time now.” They are in a cafe nearby the train station. The sun stands high in the sky on this beautiful Saturday, but the wind is cold outside the windows.

“Is it really too much to ask to just let me rant for a short while? Is listening to me that much of an effort to you?!” Kuroo's tone is loud and harsh, so unlike he usually sounds. People around them are starting to stare. Tsukishima had known this was coming, but he had hoped it wouldn't have been in a public location.

“Please don't take your stress out on me, Kuroo-san.”

“I'm not- fine, yes, I am stressed out! But it's not because-”

“Please speak quieter.” Tsukishima interrupts, and suddenly Kuroo's hand smacks the table, and a loud thump fills echoed through the sudden silence. Tsukishima flinches, stares at the older man, and feels many other eyes locked on their location too. He cares a little less after his boyfriend's uncharacteristic outburst.

“Fucking listen to me, Tsukki.” He growls, and Tsukishima nods, not finding it in my to do anything else.

“University is crazy at the moment, true.” The former captain sounds calmer as he spoke on, and the blonde relaxes a little again as some of their audience's eyes turn away too. “But I'm not taking it out on you, because what is driving _me_ crazy, _is_ you.” Tsukishima only frowned behind his glasses. “You nag at me whenever I try to talk to you. You never tell me anything unless I force it out of you, and yet you barely let me finish a sentence before you cut me off.” Kuroo smiles at his coffee, but it's a sad smile. Tsukishima realizes he's been seeing those often, lately.

“And you know what, it's fine.” The bedhead sounds dejected, disappointed, tired. “It's fine if you don't want to listen to me talking about my classes, it's fine if you don't want to know about my day or my friends or anything, and it's fine if you don't want to tell me anything too. But then, seriously, what are we doing here?” He meets Tsukishima's eyes, and they aren't searching. They are honestly asking. And Tsukki isn't sure what this glance means. “It's just... yeah, I'm stressed, but is it so hard for you to cut me some slack, and be nice to the one you love every now and then?”

“Never said that I do.”

Silence.

Their eyes are locked, and a heavy silence reigns between them. The words left Tsukishima's lips before he'd thought about them. They are true, though. He's never said he loved Kuroo. Kuroo never said it to him either. It may have been implicit, seen they've been dating for almost a year now, but they hadn't said it.

Fact.

And yet, as he sees Kuroo's gaze relax, as he sees him snort and shake his head gently, he somewhat wishes he had kept his mouth shut.

“Alright.” The black haired says, and he gets up and takes his wallet from his back pocket, all languid movement and flow, like he always is. But hadn't been lately, too pent up. Suddenly he is moving naturally again, and Tsukishima can only stare as his boyfriend puts a bill to cover his part on the table, smiles without light, and wishes him a good day.

Then Kuroo is gone, and Tsukishima isn't really sure what just happened.

He sits still for a while, hands folded around his cup, staring at Kuroo's, half-empty and abandoned. Like him.

This wasn't what he was expecting, not for right now, but this too, he knew was coming. Sooner or later. Of course their relationship wouldn't last. He'd known that since the day he'd shrugged and allowed Kuroo to take him on their first date.

Kuroo is talented and passionate. Tsukishima is passive and aloof. Sometimes the older man can light a fire in him, make him work a little more, try a little harder, care a little more. But overall, they are still too different. Kuroo is great, and, though he'd never admit, great for him too. But Tsukishima knows that, on the other hand, he isn't good for Kuroo at all. He'd known this from the moment when he'd given a curt “fine” to officialize their relationship. And now, Kuroo had only proven it once more. Or rather, said it, as bluntly as possible.

Yeah, they are over. That much is clear, Tsukishima figures, looking back on the exchange. He sighs, and though the doomed countdown on their relationship had come to the long-expected zero, he can't really say that it doesn't weight on him too.

\---

He doesn't hear from Kuroo again. No calls, no texts, no skype conversations, nothing. He does come online, though, and Tsukishima is the first time a little thrown off when the pling of Kuroo's name isn't followed by the rattle of his call.

Over, he spends the rest of the weekend reminding himself. Over and done.

On Monday, Yamaguchi looks at him with an ugly frown.

“What?” Tsukki snaps.

“You look upset.” Says his best friend, but he just shrugs, says it's nothing, and leads them the rest of the way to class.

Yamaguchi isn't the only one that notices though. In class, a few people throw him shifty glances, and he shrugs them all off. During training, Hinata and his lack of filter waste not a minute before pestering him. Even Kageyama offers him a grumbled “youokay”, which he of course uses as a chance to tease the captain for being such a kind and sensitive man, and that he should beware that his boyfriend doesn't get jealous of his advances.

“I'm not the jealous type!!”

And that is, by the way, how those two finally become official. It is a laughable and pathetic display, but one that Tsukishima appreciates very much, as the lightened mood instantly takes all focus off of him.

But that damned best friend of him is more persistent than he often gets credit for.

“Tsukki, wait!!”

Tsukki groans, but does slow his pace to allow the freckleface to catch up with him. They walk together in a silence that doesn't last long enough by about 5 years.

“What's wrong?” The other asks, concern clear in his voice.

“Nothing.”

“Tsukki... what happened...?” Yamaguchi nearly whines.

“Fine. It was nothing really-”

“Nothing doesn't make you act like this.”

“Tch. It really wasn't anything. Kuroo just broke up with me.” He tries to say it as lightly as he can, with as much casual indifference laced into his words as he possibly could.

And yet his friend doesn't give an ok and leave him alone. Of course he wouldn't, he is too nice and caring a tool for that. Yamaguchi is the only one at Karasuno that knows of his relationship with the former Nekoma captain, but he'd rather the other hadn't known at all. In fact, he only told his best friend about his boyfriend because he called him while the two were watching a movie, and Kuroo had stolen his cellphone. After that there wasn't much else to do but fess up about his doomed relationship.

“What?! Why, what happened?!” The smaller boy clings to his sleeve and with a sigh, he gives in and tells his story.

“... and when I pointed out we'd never said that to each other, he just left.” He finishes in the same monotone he'd started with. He'd gone over it so many times already, he couldn't really feel emotional about it. It had been just a matter of time before it happened anyway.

And then the space next to him is empty, as he's forced to stop and turn to see Yamaguchi, four steps behind, frown transformed into something fierce. “Tsukki. Are you really ok with that?”

His chest clenches, but he ignores it to the best of his abilities and forces a shrug to roll from his stiff shoulders. “It was gonna happen sooner or later anyway.”

“That's not what I asked.” Yamaguchi's voice has that strong and determined hint to it that it only so rarely carries, and Tsukishima does a double-take at the sight of his friend's heated eyes.

“Y-yeah. I don't care.” He mumbles, just wanting the subject dropped and to be back on their track home, but that was clearly the wrong answer.

“How can you not care about the guy you have been dating for 10 and a half months now?!” Yamaguchi growls, closing in on Tsukki by a step, and the taller blonde has to fight the desire to increase the distance between them again. “That's absolute bullshit, Tsukki! You were happy! I know you were, if you hadn't been I'd never have been able to give you up to Kuroo-san! Why are you just letting him walk off like that?”

“If he doesn't want to then I won't-” He starts, not as much confidence behind his words as he wished.

“Bullshit, Tsukki!” He flinches. Yamaguchi rarely ever swore, or lost his patience, or did anything quite this aggressive. It is a bit frightening, almost. “All he wanted was for you to care! But you're too busy doom-thinking to do so!”

“I- I'm not-” And then an ignored little line echoes in Tsukishima mind. “Wait, you gave me up?” He doesn't even mean to change to subject consciously, though he was naturally craving an escape, but suddenly that line is all that he could hear.

And his best friend's eyes grow to the size of saucers as he realizes what he said. He backs off a little, looking flustered and thrown off balance. “Yes- well- I-” The brunet shakes his head and stares back up at the blond, eyes still fierce despite the blush on his cheeks. “I liked you for a long time, Tsukki. But you were happy with Kuroo-san, and so I gave up on you. But you have no reason to give up on him!”

“He doesn't want me.” Tsukishima grinds from between his teeth. He's a little rattled to know Yamaguchi had a crush on him, but he sees nothing in those eyes that can hint at the feelings remaining. Nothing of the endless warth, caring and provocative patience that he knows as being loved. He knew as being loved. Once.

He swallows, feeling a block in his throat, his eyes burning, fists clenched tight.

“He doesn't want me.” He repeats.

“Are you sure of that?” Yamaguchi's eyes pierce deep into his, and the determination he sees there rattles his core.

“I don't... I don't know...” A tear escapes his eye, and he wipes it away quickly. “I can't- I don't know what he wants of me.”

“He only wants to know you like him back, Tsukki.” And just as quickly the fierceness is gone, and his best friend is back to the stupidly kind and caring person he'd always known him as. Two arms wrap around him, and he doesn't fight as Yamaguchi pulls him into a comforting hug. “You're too good at hiding yourself, you know...”

And held in this fragile yet strong embrace, Tsukishima lets the silent tears he'd been keeping back flow down his cheeks.

\---

It was Thursday, after practice, when he finally got the chance to speak with Yamaguchi again. Both had been busy and their schedules had failed to allow them any more alone time together.

“Have you talked to Kuroo-san yet?” Yamaguchi asks after a short silence, refusing to beat around the bush.

“I don't know what to say.” Tsukki's floor-turned glare matches the heat of the core of the earth. “Don't I have to...” He makes a motion with his hand. “... do something especial? Or...”

“Tsukki. Just call him.”

“Okay.”

\---

Tsukishima can't just call him. In their 10 months and a half (he was shocked to realize that Yamaguchi knew better how long had passed than he himself) they'd been together, he'd initiated conversation a whole single time, when he went to Tokyo for the first time and needed Kuroo to pick him up from the station.

Kuroo is online, though, and the chat window is open. Tsukishima has typed a million varieties of a greeting, but all of them sound lame and empty. His stomach is clenched up of anxiety, the very thought of Kuroo's answer (or worse, lack of one) making him feel sick. He considers just giving up, letting this end be the end, telling Yamaguchi that the former captain didn't want him back, and just hide under his blanket for the rest of his life.

And yet he knows he couldn't lie to his best friend like that.

And he can't let his boyfriend get away like this either.

He takes a deep breath, and pressed send.

**Tsukishima Kei, 21:58**  
»» Hi

He walks off to get himself something to drink, just so he doesn't have to sit and stare at the empty screen, so he doesn't have to freak himself out any further.

He does, of course, even if he isn't in front of his laptop.

And he returns to the orange blinking of a reply.

**VolleyCat Extraordinaire, 22:03**  
»» Hey

His heart beat hard in his chest. He'd gotten a reply. He wasn't being ignored. Great, great- wait, not great. What now? He still has no idea on what he was supposed to say... he ponders and barely resists to write in a million different follow-ups, only because he remembers that in the unlikely event of Kuroo's looking at their chat window he could see Tsukishima's attempts at writing come and go. That'd be lame. He couldn't do that.

He thinks deep about what to say, until he notices the orange blinking of another message.

**VolleyCat Extraordinaire, 22:31**  
»» I gtg  
»» bye

And Kuroo is offline.

And Tsukishima is perplexed.

Did he just honestly manage to say hi but nothing else. Did he put himself through this just to be dropped cold like this?! Is Kuroo making fun of him and avoiding him after all-- and that's when he notices the time.

He went and hid under his blanket until the next morning.

\---

Two weeks have passed since their fight, and Yamaguchi is glaring at Tsukki a lot more than usual. Alright, so he hasn't talked with Kuroo again since the failed chat, and has made zero to no attempts at communication or figuring things out at all. But his insecurity has risen to the skies and is soaring, wild and free. So long has passed, and he has fucked up the last (two) time(s) so bad, he has no idea what he can possibly do to fix things at this point. If there even is a way to fix things... (If he even should. Again he was proving himself unworthy of his (ex?)boyfriend, after all.)

When he tells Yamaguchi so, the freckled kid sighs. “Well, yeah, by now it might be time to do something especial.”

“But what?”

Yamaguchi shrugs. It was slowly becoming obvious that even his childhood friend's patience for his attitude as of late was running thin. “Why don't you go to him? Meet up, face to face, talk things out.”

“To Tokyo?”

Yamaguchi's sigh is almost exasperated, and if it hadn't been directed at him, Tsukki would have been impressed. “Yes, where else? Go to him, tell him you're an asshole and that you're sorry.”

Right, sorry. That is the whole point. He doesn't feel sorry, he just feels miserable and worthless, like there isn't really any other way for him to be. Can he really feel sorry for something he'll likely do again? He replays the conversation once more in his head, as he's done so many times before, and imagines if it could be forgiven. Would he forgive? And then, for the first time, Tsukishima actually thinks about what it would have been like the other way around. What if he had been the one that tired and stressed asked Kuroo for a shoulder, and only got a reminder of their distance? What if he went to Tokyo and asked for forgiveness, and was only told he wasn't worth it?

The blood pulls from his face and his stomach clenches, tears swelling behind his eyes.

Yeah. He is definitely sorry, and he has no idea if he deserved to be forgiven. But damned be if he doesn't try.

“Yeah. Thanks, bye.” And without spending another breath, Tsukishima turns on his heel and runs off towards the train station.

\---

Kuroo is in yet another meeting with his project group and, as usual, work is advancing slow. He feels like he is the only one putting any effort in, the only one that gets any of the material, and what they are supposed to do, and like he is also the only one that's too fucking tired and spend for any of this shit.

The last two weeks hadn't been any better than those leading up to it- he has too many projects and papers deadlines and exams to study for, and he feels like he has no energy left. And the fight with Tsukki, that was the cherry on top. Although, he can't say it made much difference, after he'd learned to ignore the constant empty feeling in his chest. It wasn't like the Karasuno student had given him much before, so there isn't much to miss, he thinks bitterly. That had been the whole problem after all. Even he could only take so much, and when he'd snapped...

He takes a deep breath to keep the twisting of his heart at bay. He's never felt quite as rejected as in that moment. And Kuroo has known rejection his whole life, it was nothing new to him. He could handle it. He just wishes he didn't have to. Not from the boy he'd so stupidly fallen for. To think that all the times he'd seen Tsukki smile, all the times they curled up together and the other seemed happy, had just been him imagining things, nothing but wishful thinking and delirium... it hurt.

So he really doesn't have much patience for this stupid group assignment in which it seems like he has to do everything and instruct everybody else on how to help. It isn't that he can't do that, or isn't good at it. He is quite a good leader and mentor, really, but he is exhausted. And of course the deadline of the project is in two days, and they are far from done.

He ignores his phone the first time it rings, but uses the second time it goes off as an excuse to walk away for a moment, feeling a bit too close to strangling one of his classmates right then.

The grumpy face of a blonde bespectacled middle-blocker greets him as he opens his phone, and he smiles and huffs at the photo. He walkes out of the apartment and leanes against the wall in the hallway as he answers.

“Hello.”

“Hi... Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah.”

“I just... I need to talk to you.”

“Doing it right now.”

“In person. Could we meet up?”

Kuroo sighs. He isn't sure what this is about, and he most of all doesn't know if he wants to hear it. Even if Tsukishima wants to apologize and fix things between them, he isn't really sure if he is up for it, really. Especially not as tired and annoyed as he is now, at least.

“Listen, Tsukki, I am swamped with assignments and such here. I really don't have the time for this, not right now.”

“Oh.” It sounds curt, final, decisive. Like he'd been awaiting an answer like that. Or dreading it. Whichever.

“Maybe in a few weeks or so.” Kuroo adds, wondering if by then things will be better, both in university and in his mind. “Anyway, I should get back to work-”

“Euhm...”

“What?”

“It's just that...” a choked sound comes through the receiver and Kuroo frownes at that.

“What's wrong?”

“There aren't any more trains back.” mumbles out the voice on the other side, sounding desperate and a little lost.

“What?! Tsukki, where are you?”

“At your apartment.” The voice answers in a low and fragile tone.

Ignoring the knot in his stomach, Kuroo runs back into his classmate's apartment. “Guys, I got to go. Finish that up for me, would ya?” And with a wild grab to his keys and wallet and not another word, he sprints back out of the apartment. “I'll be there in about 15 minutes.” He says into his cellphone, and hears a breathy “thanks” back, before he cut off the call.

\---

Tsukishima sat in the cold in front of the apartment complex for about half an hour before he dared to call, finally convinced that the older one wasn't home, and for 18 more minutes after the call broke off. He wipes at his eyes and rubs his hands over his cheeks when he hears a strangely familiar jog approach.

“Kuroo...” He rises his eyes, still a little red from holding back tears, to the young man, panting in front of him, eyes budging out of his skull.

“Tsukki. What are you doing here...?”

“I'm...” He swallows, feeling like such a brat, having come in a rush, no plan, no idea if he was even welcome, such a stupid and impulsive thing to do. “I'm sorry.” He mumbles at his feet.

"It's- it's ok, let's just get you inside,” Kuroo walks past the blond to open the door, “it's freezing out here-”

“No-” Tsukki grabbs his sleeve as they cross each other, and feels his eyes burning even harder. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!” He buries his face in the other's coat, and tries to calm his sniffling, tries to keep the tears from falling, without much success. He clings to the other's arm and tries to keep his shoulders from shocking.

And then the other arm is around his shoulders, pulling the blonde to Kuroo's chest, and he's hugging him. Kuroo's hugging him and he's never felt so safe and happy and unworthy and utterly pathetic. “I'm so sorry...” He hiccups into the embrace, and Kuroo only hums as a response.

They stand like this for only a short while before Kuroo drags Tsukishima with him towards the door, but Tsukki pulls away just a little.

“Kuroo, I... I don't know...” He glares with teary eyes at Kuroo's sneakers. There's a snotty sniffle before he pulls his gaze up, gathering all his determination. “I don't know if I can change, if I'm good enough for you, if I can- but I- I don't want to let you go.”

The cold wind blows around them, and chills Tsukishima to the core, his heart feeling like it's beating it's final thumps. And then Kuroo smiles, soft, experimental, a little pained too. But it isn't the sad resigned smile he wore when he was hurt. It looks a little scared, if anything. “Hmm. Yeah, that'll do for now.” The smile grows into a smirk, and he opens the door for Tsukishima.

“I love you.”

Silence.

Their eyes are locked, and a heavy silence reigns between them. The words left Tsukishima's lips before he'd thought about them. He's said it now, and knows it's true.

And Kuroo smirks, looking like himself, happy and confident, like he's supposed to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are ticklish- they make me smile and laugh 8D /SHOT


End file.
